


Sex, Rock and Roll, and Other Inventions: the evolution of a genius's sex life

by vass



Category: Megamind (2010)
Genre: BDSM, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-22
Updated: 2011-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-27 19:18:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/299170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vass/pseuds/vass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Megamind still has some important life lessons to learn.  Roxanne is once again here to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sex, Rock and Roll, and Other Inventions: the evolution of a genius's sex life

**Author's Note:**

  * For [magpieinthesky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/magpieinthesky/gifts).



When Megamind had been on this earth for twenty years, he held out his hands to be handcuffed voluntarily for the first time. He was defeated and wanted to crawl back into his hole and hide.

When Megamind had been on this earth for twenty-one years, he once again held out his hands to be handcuffed. Hold that thought.

*

When Megamind first dated Roxanne, it was under false pretenses: she thought he was Bernard.

When Megamind dated Roxanne again, it was under his true identity as the universally beloved criminal genius turned savior of Metrocity the Roxanne had long known.

*

After six months of their second dating period, Roxanne gently but firmly told Megamind that the sex was bad. Worse, that it was boring. "You call THIS boring?" he said dramatically.  
"Now you're going to hum the alphabet song to remind you how to do oral sex," Roxanne replied moments before he got into position. He thumped his head on her navel. He had learned that from a sex advice columnist. Curses! Had every teacher he'd ever had misled him?

That night, instead of having sex, Megamind retired to his lab to formulate a cunning plan to light up his lover's loins. He wasn't sure quite why she clapped both her hands over her mouth and started snorting when he announced this to her. As he went looking for his car (note to self -- he thought -- must expand 'Find My iPhone' app to work for invisible cars) he could distinctly hear her laughter through her bedroom window.

Back at his lair, he sat back in his chair. Minion was polishing the lab surfaces.  
"I am hatching a plan to set Roxanne's loins afire," he informed his faithful companion of a thousand heists.  
"OH no, you are not involving me in this," was his loyal henchman's response. Megamind threw a beaker at him. Minion sniffed. "Clearly you need your privacy right now," he said, backing out and ducking preemptively.

Megamind started hatching a list.  
"First I shall surround her with a storm of rose petals while I lick every inch of her luscious body," he said aloud, writing busily. At this point his phone beeped. There was a message from Roxanne: OR YOU COULD TRY ASKING ME WHAT I LIKE, it said.  
"Where's the fun in that?" he said.

*

Three hours later, he had a working plan, and was driving back to Roxanne's apartment, singing "All the things you do to me and everything you said, and I just can't get enough, I just can't get enough" very loudly along with his car stereo. Sometimes he snapped his fingers along with the snare beat, making the car swerve wildly. He could have put it on autopilot, but there was no fun in that either.

After letting himself in, he found Roxanne wearing a flannel nightgown and sipping Ovaltine from a WORLD'S GREATEST REPORTER mug. He had left her sipping red wine and wearing a wine-red teddy.  
"Oh hi, I thought you'd be there all night," she said, setting the mug down on the bedside table. "I was going to make an early night of it."  
"I was overcome with passion and couldn't stay away any... is that a milk mustache?"  
She licked her upper lip. "Tastes like it." Megamind stretched out beside her, only to jump up again in surprise.  
"What's with the vacuum cleaner?"  
"For when you've finished with the rose petals."

He smote his forehead. "Am I truly so predictable?"  
"Do you really want the answer to that?"  
"Fine, how about you share some of your brilliant ideas then?"  
Roxanne shrugged easily. "We could always get Metro Man to join us."  
A horrible realization dawned upon Megamind. "You don't want me! You want Metro Man!" He flailed his arms, knocking over the water carafe on the bedside table. "All this time, I've been nothing to you but an exotically blue substitute for your real love, Brad Pitt. All my life, he's always taken everything of importance from me. Even when I was a little child he stole my school, my education, my chance at a normal life..."

Roxanne took hold of his shoulders and gave him a little shake. "I was suggesting it for YOU," she said, with an extra shake for emphasis on the last word. "I thought maybe you'd like to get into bed with him after all this time."  
"Wait, what?"  
"I never wanted to hit that myself, but I wouldn't have minded seeing the two of you. Or if you prefer, I could strap 'er on and we could pretend..." Megamind went very purple. "The watch, I mean. I was planning to strap a dildo on anyway unless you had a pressing objection to that. God, Megamind, this is why people communicate instead of just assuming things."

A thought smote Megamind like a bolt of lightning. All this time he had been assuming that Roxanne was like the women in the telehvision dramas he had used to educate himself. He had tried to sweep her off her feet with romantic gestures. Had tried, in short, to measure up to some Bernard-like vision of a romantic hero. But just as Megamind was no ordinary man, Roxanne was no ordinary woman.

"You're kinky!" he exclaimed, trying to put these new ideas into words.  
"Well, duh."  
"All this wasted time. The things we could have been doing. The games we could have played. To my lair, Roxanne! I will dominate you like no man has ever dominated you before."  
"Um, yeah, we can try that if you want," his soon-to-be damsel in distress replied. He wasn't sure why she was rolling her eyes.

*

An hour later:  
"You've done the alligators before."  
"We weren't dating then!"  
"It still counts! Anyway, have you had them there all this time?"  
"Special delivery." He had texted Minion on the way. Minion had texted back something about boundaries and the henchpeople's union, but Megamind had been too flushed with anticipation to pay attention.

"I'm not through, Roxanne. I just need some more time to think," he said, untying her. "Go have breakfast. Minion will make you breakfast. Minion!"

*

Minion agreed to fry some eggs and bacon.  
"How are you, Minion?"  
"Oh, don't worry about me, I'm used to making breakfast at three in the morning," he assured her.  
"The sex just isn't working," she non-sequitured awkwardly.  
"Leave me out of this!"  
Roxanne, yawning, tried to explain: "It's not that I don't ever switch, it's just that he's so very bad at it that it's all I can do not to grab the ropes and say 'Here, darling, let me do that for you.'"  
"Aha!" came a dramatic cry from behind her.  
"Okay, that time you did surprise me."  
"Really?" Megamind said hopefully.  
"Yeah, I thought you'd be wearing the watch and pretending to be Minion."  
"Oh." His shoulders slumped.

"Are you ready to ask me yet?" she asked gently.  
"I guess so."  
"Not in the kitchen!" Minion spluttered.  
"No, and not until after breakfast, either."  
Megamind bolted his eggs and bacon.

*

"Honey, you know you don't have to be the bad guy. Don't you see that I don't have to be the damsel in distress either?"

*

One hour later: Megamind let Roxanne take the lead. And the handcuffs.

*

Six months later: they keep a carafe of water on Roxanne's bedside table for accidental dehydrations, and a box of toys under the bed.

And they lived happily ever after.

The End


End file.
